I don’t know where to start with this one. To be completely honest, I’m in two minds about whether I would even be posting this. This post is going to be fairly negative for my own personal reasons and I don’t want my views/ experiences to taint anyone else’s views at all. The beginning of this post is being written early February, and this morning I booked my first smear test. I’m 24, I turn 25 this summer and the letter arrived about two weeks ago. I’m aware of the fact they arrive 6 months before your 25th birthday, and it came almost 6 months to the day before I turn 25. But for some reason, the arrival still took me by surprise, almost as if I wasn’t ready. And the smear fear is real.
Why do I have smear fear?
I cannot begin to explain how little sense this makes; I have zero clue what I’m afraid of. Those of you who have seen my ‘This Month…I want to get serious about female health‘ post will know that I’ve already seen my fair share of gynaecologists, had swabs and exams. When people say they have smear fear, I usually understand it. It’s a fear of the unknown. Unless they’ve already had kids or have, like me, had menstrual problems, most women under the age of 25 haven’t spent that much time in the stirrups. They’re either afraid because they’re not sure how it feels/ what’s supposed to happen or slightly embarrassed about the thought of dropping their knickers in a doctors office for a complete stranger. Those situations, I completely understand.
What I don’t understand is why this whole thing makes me uneasy. I’ve been swabbed and examined more times than I care to count. At one of my appointments, I had to have high swabs from the top of my cervix. The nurse looked at my notes, saw my age and proceeded to tell me my first smear test “would feel like nothing after this”, while she was still in there. Thanks hun, super helpful.
I told the internet, in great detail, about that time I had a camera up there to find a missing ovary. I’m very confident in the fact that I have zero shame or embarrassment when it comes to this stuff. Literally, none. If anything, I’m too open.
Is it the results?
No. This could be naivety or even plain arrogance, but I’m not scared of the results. I have this feeling that because I’ve had so many tests in the past, if anything had been remotely wrong someone would have already found something. And statistically speaking, the chances of something being wrong are slim anyway. I may have lulled myself into a false sense of security, but I’d rather feel this way than be riddled with anxiety awaiting my results.
Is it the process?
Maybe, but I don’t think so. As I’ve said, I’m no stranger to the stirrups or the speculum at this point, but the process is never easy for me. It doesn’t matter how relaxed or comfortable I am beforehand, my body always rejects the speculum. The first time, I thought I was nervous. Then it continued to happen every other time. No matter how relaxed and prepared I’m feeling, no matter how many times I’ve had it before, my vagina never fails to tense up and reject it.
The result? Well, basically, they have to force it in, which makes it painful. I don’t want to put anyone off here. For most people, this feeling is either painless or mildly uncomfortable.
While this part is grim, it’s all happened before. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. No, I’m not looking forward to it, but I also don’t think I’m afraid of it. I know it’s going to happen, I’ll moan and complain, but it’ll all be fine and forgotten a few days later.
Conclusion: I still don’t understand what my issue is.
So, I booked my first smear test
I booked my test. But I’ve put it off slightly. I was offered an appointment this week, I booked one for March 15th. I wanted an extra few weeks to try and process what I’m afraid of and prepare. The more I think about it, the more certain I am that I don’t know what I’m worried about, but the smear fear remains.
Why am I telling you this?
I’ve just said in a little over 700 words what could be summarised as “I’m nervous about my smear test and I don’t know why”. But, you’ll also be aware that I said it’s early February and right now it’s probably mid-late March.
Future Sophie is about to jump forward to after my test. I wanted to explain my situation to give some context first. The next part will be an update about how it went. Yay, can’t wait.
March 15th
This morning I had my first smear test. I went in, the nurse confirmed that it was my first one. At that point, I told her that I’d already had exams etc and she didn’t have to explain the process. She nodded, confirmed I knew what a smear test was and why we have them. I answered a few questions and made my way behind the curtain.
Important: I spoke to a friend about my speculum situation and she wasn’t aware that they come in different sizes. They come in several sizes, if you have similar issues or are uncomfortable, you can ask for a smaller one. I read a post the other day about someone’s struggle with vaginismus. If anyone reading this has that, know that there are multiple sizes.
The smear
Before she started, she said if anything causes any pain or extreme discomfort, speak up. I’d explained she may have some difficulty and she agreed to use a smaller speculum.
So, she starts, it’s going fairly well, she gets about half way, then the inevitable happens. My involuntary tension begins and it hurts. She tried to tell me to relax, I tried to explain that I was relaxed, it wasn’t. The whole process of trying to relax more only made me tense up everywhere. I wanted a minute to relax my legs and shake my tension out. She didn’t want to stop trying, I insisted it would be easier if I had a minute and we started again. I take a breath, give my legs a little shake and prepare for round two.
Round two
In it goes, better than last time, further than last time. It’s hurting a little, but nothing too bad and not as much as last time. She tells me we’re about there and she’s going to try to take the sample. The next bit is so typically me, I almost eye rolled when it happened.
“Your cervix is hiding; they do that sometimes. Due to the position it’s in, I’m going to have to go higher.”
When I say my body doesn’t like to co-operate, please know that I mean it really doesn’t like to co-operate.
Higher we go, which is incredibly painful. At that moment, I’m thinking back to the woman who took my swabs that day. Little did she know, today felt I was being ripped open. Once it’s in place it’s a little uncomfortable, but no longer painful.
The silver lining?
I often hear people say that having the sample taken is a bit uncomfortable. Because my speculum was causing me so much discomfort, I didn’t feel the brush taking the sample at all. Literally nothing, I didn’t even know she’d done it. 5 minutes to get in, 5 seconds to take the sample.
She explains how long it takes for results, what the potential outcomes are, what happens if cells are abnormal and I leave and go about my day.
Afterwards?
Everything felt very tender on Friday afternoon, there was a bit of spotting for the first 24 hours, but I bled less than I usually do after an exam. By Saturday lunchtime, everything was back to normal.
What I expected?
The whole experience was pretty much what I expected. It was slightly more difficult than I thought it would be, but if someone had told me beforehand that was how it was going to go, I wouldn’t have been shocked.
To conclude: I still don’t know what my issue was.
I know most people write about smear tests in a way that tells you it’s quick and painless and there’s nothing to worry about, and I think that’s great. This post is in no way supposed to make you think any differently. However, I know I can’t be the only person whose body doesn’t like the speculum. Thanks to my other issues, I’m aware of that and was prepared for it on the day.
I’ve never read a post about a smear test where the process hasn’t been that smooth. I’m sure most people reading this will have very normal experiences with theirs, but I wouldn’t want anyone who hasn’t been in that situation before to freak out because it wasn’t as easy as people make it out to be and they had no idea why. If this post even reaches one person in that situation, it was worth it.
If you’ve had your letter and you’re putting it off, please book it as soon as possible. Do you have/ have you previously had smear fear? Was it as bad as you thought? If anyone has any wisdom to share here, please leave it down below.
Until next time,
Sophie
Thank you for being so honest about your experience. You can’t know how your smear test will go until you’ve done it but you’re completely right. It’s always good to hear about it from a different, less common perspective. I love that you’re also raising awareness around this. Great post!
I had mine recently as well – I’d put it off because I couldn’t get time off work but I knew what to expect as I’d had one before due to a miscarriage. The first one was a metal speculum so I’m grateful for the plastic speculums, but ti was still very uncomfortable and she had to use two different speculums because apparently my womb is wonky! I think it’s supposed to take 10 minutes and I was in there over half an hour. The whole relaxing part is just difficult in that sort of situation so I totally get you, but glad you went and got it done. Just something we have to live with, I guess!
Hi Sophie
Thanks for writing this post i believe it is so important to talk about these kinds of things because not every woman’s smear test is as quick and painless as they would like to have you believe.
I’ve had three in my life and only one of them has been relatively painfree – mainly due to me explaining I needed a smaller speculum. The last one i had was painful because my cervix was hiding – not comfortable or painless at all!!
I wish more women would open up and talk about their experiences because it would really help make the conversation less embarrassing.
I’m sorry your experience wasn’t pleasant Sophie.
Thanks for talking about it though
Sarah xoxo
I actually had my first smear test this week also (24) and like you I’d had the whole internal examination and prodding and poking done before but like you nervous. I still to this day don’t know what it was but it really worried me, for me luckily it was painless and over so quickly the nurse was amazing. What’s frustrating for me is the wait for the results..
These posts are worth sharing because people can relate!
Great way to get the word out! Glad everything went okay x
I definitely had smear fear too but I knew it would be worst if I didn’t go. it was a bit uncomfortable but nothing lasting and was much better to know everything was okay! Good on you for sharing your experience. It’s so important xx
Violethollow.com
Ugh, it’s horrible when that letter drops. I’ve got my fourth booked for Thursday and even though I know what to expect I’m still anxious. I’m a bleeder and always worry they won’t get a decent sample and I’ll have to go back. There’s also the anxiety over what they’ll find as I’ve been bleeding all over the shop lately but it’s likely because of my implant – it tends to settle down when I take the pill alongside it. All fun and games, ey? Thanks for helping to normalise this conversation.
I can relate to this, I put my first one off for ages until I was about your age, and have been putting off booking my next one since. And I don’t understand why I have a fear of it, and this is someone that it was quick and easy for and often gets bikini waxes! But knowing what is happening with one’s body is so important in the end for five minutes of something no one likes to do I think
Sophie, I absolutely LOVE that you talk about this stuff! I really appreciate that you’re so open and honest and go into detail, too. I’ve got a good 2 and a bit years until my first smear test but I totally get the fear. It’s really quite odd as I’ve had my fair share of things up my back end and through my entire colon (RIP) because of my IBD and although it was unexplainable agony at times I didn’t tend to care all that much despite never having had such an unnatural experience before. But for obvious reasons I’m used to having things in my vagina and I can’t say I’m embarrassed of that area at all so I’ve no idea why I’m worried either! It does sound like an uncomfortable thing to go through and I’m glad you’ve said something about it not being totally easy as to be honest I can never imagine it being despite what so many people say, I’d definitely tense up too!
Alice Xx
I can totally understand that feeling. I have had a few smear tests done. It is uncomfortable and I hate to open up but do we have any choice? :-). It is always good to do these test on a regular basis to be sure you are fine. I had to do my biopsy like a decade ago due to some signs. But the result was good and I continue to get these tests done even when I don’t like it. 🙂
Via | http://glossnglitters.com
My friend sounds similar to you. It’s painful and uncomfortable for her to have a smear test and she does bleed afterwards but it’s so incredibly important to have them. I’ve had two smears so far and although uncomfortable it doesn’t really hurt me
My doctor required me to have my first smear test when I was 21 (maybe that is a US thing?), and I can tell you mine was also painful like yours. I didn’t really have any expectations going into it, but I sure didn’t think it would hurt that bad. However, my doctor told me to deep breath while the procedure was going on which actually helped a bit (so for you next time, try it!). Thanks for sharing!!
-Jenna ♥
Stay in touch? The Chic Cupcake
It’s normal to fear it. I don’t like at all doing it, and I’ve done lots of smear tests and still feel uncomfortable with it. But it’s something we have to do, isn’t it?
THANK YOU for being so open and honest in breaching this topic. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I’ll go next year when I’ll be due it but I feel like all of the posts saying how blue skies perfect it was for them just makes me more worried like but what if it’s not like that for me? I think being prepared for the worst can never be a bad thing- especially if the actual experience is a breeze in comparison. Saying that I’m sorry yours didn’t go overly well!
Soph – https://sophhearts.com x
I put mine off for a while as well Soph! But like you, I don’t know why cos it was fine 🙂 I think maybe we worry about the process as we’ve never had it done before?
Emma | http://www.lifeofemmax.co.uk
I delayed mine for a couple of months but went eventually- bad I know. Luckily my results were fine and in future I’ll just go ahead and get it done! I get what you mean about smear fear but not knowing why – personally for me it was the first time I’ve had a medical professional inspect me. it’s just nerve wracking! but know I’m just like I have to go in..its for my own health and they have seen everything!
Well done for sharing, I really hope it helps encourage others to book theirs.
Hayley | hayleyxmartin
This was such an important post, I’ve heard and read so many different stories about th being really easy but Iots good to hear the other side of the story. I’m only 22 so I have a few years to go and I’ve always been a bit nervous about it but I know it’s something we all have to go through as woman! Great post x
You are amazing for talking about this! I got my first smear test the year after I started my birth control (I was 20) – which was solely on the fact that birth control does alter your hormones and can have negative effects. I was cleared until 2015 where my smear test showed mild abnormalities, which scared me because my mom was diagnosed with stage 2b cervical cancer in her early 20s. I actually ended up getting a smear test for two years in a row. I got cleared so I’m not due until 2021! I’m sharing this story because a smear test can be so awkward and uncomfortable but it is for our health!
☼ cabin twenty-four
Your honesty is important because these things are uncomfortable, but unfortunately they’re necessary. I’d rather not miss a test and end up with cancer. I didn’t know there were different sizes of speculum though and I’m twice your age! I’ll remember for next time. Thanks
PS Breast screening is also uncomfortable ☹️
I had my first smear test back in January and I was dreading the whole thing! I think a lot of women get nervous because of the awkwardness of it all, but you just have to think of it like this, the nurses have done this test god knows how many times so why should it matter to us?! xx
Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk
I can understand it 🙂
Such an important and honest post. I think every woman is built slightly differently, so we can all have different experiences! I also had a speculum issue, but with a change of position and size and trying to relax (quite difficult in that situation I think lol) it went fine. Wasn’t as bad as I’d expected and of course it’s so necessary- well done for getting through it so well!
Amazing blog post I loved this it’s so good to talk about these things and get more people to go..! Its not that bad
Thank you so much for being so opened and share with us your experience! Women’s health is very gentle, but important topic, and, unfortunately, not many people are willing to discuss the importance of this procedure.
Lots of love ♥ January Girl
I think this is very important to talk about honestly because I feel many don’t know what happens in these appointments and when they are told, people sort of leave stuff out as to not ‘scare’ them, but honesty is best because this is so important for every women to have done. When I got my 1st one done it was nothing like what was told to me and not scary at all. Just a little awkward as my cervix is posterior, so I had to be propped up on pillows which actually made me laugh and not feel so nervous and my gp was really kind and talked away to me at the time, so it was over in no time!! Having a GP you’re at ease with also makes a great difference x
Thanks for sharing!
xx- Nina
Thanks for being so honest and sharing your experience.
Nina’s Style Blog
If it helps you feel any better, I’m an ovarian cancer survivor so you can imagine just how much time I have spent in the stirrups and I still get a little uneasy when it comes time… I think to a degree that’s just normal!
I have been seeing a lot of blog raising awareness about the smear test. True that it can be intimidating. I have not done a test yet and know i need to do it. It is so important that you get tested just in case
This is an important topic and I also think that it’s great that you talk about your negative experience. Not to put people of – which you don’t – but because others who’ve had a negative smear test can feel like they’re not alone with it.
Thank you for being so honest and open about it. Sounds like quite the experience. Its amazing seeing people like you openly talk about topics of such sort, great blog post!
Ayse x
When I had my first smear 2 years ago and wrote various blog posts about it (and my colposcopy after they found abnormal cells) I wasn’t surprised at how people people commented saying they had smear fear. I think the main reason so many women are terrified is because it just isn’t openly talked about enough.
I’m sorry to hear you have THE FEAR and found your test painful. I hope the results come back clear and you don’t have to worry about it again for another 3 years! <3
Jenny in Neverland
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
Honestly think it’s so important smear tests are talked about so openly, the more open people are the more comfortable we should be towards something that could be life saving!
I had my first smear test last year and it it is so important to get tested!
Love, Amie ❤
The Curvaceous Vegan
Great post and great for awareness. I’ve never had problems going but they have detected abnormal cells twice so it’s so worth it.
The more that’s said and spoken about – hopefully more people will have them done.
Nina ❤️ |
What a great post! Everyone has a different experience when it comes to smear tests. I was dreading my first one, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Similarly to you they had to change for a smaller one as I couldn’t help tensing up and it proper ‘popped’ out!
Such an important topic to talk about. Hopefully it will help others putting off going, as I think your post gives a realistic view on smear tests!
Aimsy xoxo
https://www.aimsysantics.co.uk
I had my smear test last week (it was about my hundredth – I’m 34 and have 2 children) but I still get nervous/ anxious and I have no idea why! I think it’s ok to be nervous/ not ok with it and I’m really glad you decided to write and publish this post. The more people who admit they are anxious about it, the more normal those feelings become to everyone else. xxx
Ashley
https://lellalee.com
Wow this is pretty helpful.
I never knew about this.
Much Love,
BLOG | INSTAGRAM | YOUTUBE
I love this post!! Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I’m due this year and I’m so scared – I’m not even going to lie. But I know it’s so important to get tested. Such a great post hun x
Great post Sophie, I also have a bit of fear, I’m not quite at the age yet but I know I’ll probably get my letter in the next few months. I’ve read quite a few of these, and everyones is always a bit different, which is understandable, everyone will experience it differently. It’s nice to read posts like these though because it ‘paints a picture’ I suppose, it makes it feel less daunting. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Chloe xx
http://www.chloechats.com
A woman has to take care of herself with regular doctor visits and test. Thanks for taking on women’s issues.
It’s so important to talk about this so thank you for doing so! x
https://www.femaleoriginal.com
This is such a great post Sophie. I remember getting the letter for my first smear test and it didn’t phase me at all. That’s was until I had it. The nurse didn’t explain what she was doing well enough, I wasn’t relaxed enough and it hurt. The experience was so bad that I put off my second smear test for nearly 3 years(!). I had it last month and the nurse who did it couldn’t have been nicer, explained everything well, had a joke with me and I felt so much more relaxed. Thank you for sharing your experience and creating an open platform to talk about these things.
I received my first letter last year and it terrified me – I still haven’t gone but I know I should x
I really love that you have done this blog post and been so honest darling, so well written. Thank you for sharing
With love, Alisha Valerie x | http://www.alishavalerie.com
Blog posts like this are so important! I’ll have my first one next year but I’m dreading it, and I don’t really know why xx
Tiffany x http://www.foodandotherloves.co.uk